Inanimate Quarrel Reboot
I used to be called Retzyn, and then The Second Nation. I've been absent for a while. Time for a comeback! Read the original here Contestants and other characters Ace (♂) Anvil (Armless, ♂) Beartrap (Armless, ♂) Beer Bottle (♂) Cactus (Armless, ♀) Calendar (♀) Crown (Mouthless?, ♂) Dumbbell (♂) Fencey (♂) Fireball (♀) Flashing Sign (♀) Gold Ingot (Armless,♀) Gravestone (♂) Hammer (♀): Hearty (♀) Jail Cell (♀) Kale (♂) Lily Pad (♀) Nut (♀) Paperclip (Legless, ♂) Pincushion (♂) Roady (♀) Shopping Bag (♀) Snowglobe (♀) Spinach Can (♂) Star (♀) Surfboard (♂) Trampoline (Armless, ♀) Window (♂) Windy (♂) Wine Bottle (♂) Xylophone (♀) Hanger (Host, ♂) Cutting Board (Intern, ♂) Flower Pot (Intern, ♂) Horseshoe (Intern, ♂) Chapter 1: Opening Offal ???: (Hey, psst, Hanger.) Hanger: (What?) ???: (The broadcast’s about to start. Hope you have a good opening line!) Hanger: (Uh… also quick question before we start: what’s the first challenge?) ???: (incomprehensible mumbling) Hanger: (Seriously? We have to do the first challenge at a garbage disposal? Whatever.) Oh, uh… hello there! Welcome to Inanimate Quarrel, where inanimate objects will… quarrel… I couldn’t come up with an opening line, OK? Well, let’s just get to the point. 32 objects are going to battle for a fantastic prize! What’s the prize, you say? I have no idea! Production never told me, so I guess we’ll just see. Anyways, the contestants will be arriving soon, so let’s just sit tight and wait. Horseshoe: Mr. Hanger, the contestants have already arrived! Hanger: Wait, what? Where are they? Horseshoe: In that bus, right next to you. Hanger: Was that... was that there from the beginning? Horseshoe: Yes. Hanger: Uh… OK, we’re going to introduce the contestants in pairs, sorted alphabetically. First up, Ace and Anvil. Welcome to the show! Anvil: Alright! I’m here! Ace: We’ve been in that bus for 7 hours, how can you act like that?! Anvil: The viewers have to know that I have an amazing personality! Ace: Is fame all you care about? Pathetic. Anvil: Why do you talk as if your opinion matters? Ace: Because it truly does. Trust me, you’ll regret this conversation. Anvil: Whatever. (They both stand behind Hanger.) Hanger: With that out of the way, say hello to the next contestants, Beartrap and Beer Bottle! (Beer Bottle falls out of the bus, drunk) Hanger: What happened to him? Beartrap: 7 hours is a long time, eh. He’s had a little too much to drink. Hanger: Are you sure he’s okay? Beartrap: Am I supposed to care? Hanger: No, not really. Beartrap: Anyways, I’d like to introduce myself- ???: (Psst, Hanger. There’s no time for that.) Hanger: Alright, moving on- Beartrap: Are you just going to ignore me? Hanger: Yes. As I was saying, moving on, we’ve got Cactus and Calendar! Let’s hope for a friendlier interaction this time. (Beartrap angrily drags Beer Bottle behind Hanger.) Cactus: Hello there! The name’s Cactus. Nice to meet you. Calendar: Hi. Cactus: Woah, what’s that attitude all about? Are you shy? Calendar: Yes… Cactus: Well then, turn that frown upside-down! You’re being watched by millions of people worldwide! You have to act strong! Calendar (visibly nervous): Oh god… (Cactus and Calendar stand behind Hanger.) Hanger: Hm. Next up are Crown and Dumbbell! Dumbbell: Hello world! Crown: … Dumbbell: Are you going to speak? Crown: … Dumbbell: I’m going to assume you can’t? Crown: (nods) Dumbbell: Well, that’s a shame. We won’t get to know you very well. Crown: … Dumbbell: Time to show my strength to the world! (Dumbbell and Crown stand behind Hanger.) Hanger: Let’s continue. Here are Fencey and Fireball! Fencey: Yo, yo! Wassup? Fireball: “Wassup”? What does that mean? Fencey: Are you seriously asking me that? Fireball: Well, I’m not exactly familiar with the current slang terms. Fencey: … Fireball: Did I say something that offended you? Fencey: No, nothing. Anyways, I’m going to try my best! (Fencey and Fireball stand behind Hanger.) Hanger: Here’s Flashing Sign and Gold Ingot! Gold Ingot: I’d like to know what the prize is, please. Hanger: Sorry, can’t tell you that. It’s a secret. Flashing Sign: Are you just interested in the prize? Gold Ingot: Logically, I am. Flashing Sign: Well, I’m interested in making friends and possibly meeting the love of my life! Gold Ingot: We’re not here to make friends, we’re here to win. Friends just bog you down and create needless conflict. Flashing Sign: You must be fun at parties. Gold Ingot: I certainly am not. (Flashing Sign and Gold Ingot stand behind Hanger.) Hanger: Gravestone and Hammer have come! Hammer: You’ve been pretty silent throughout the whole trip. Gravestone: Of course I was. I want to preserve energy for the contest. Hammer: “Preserve energy”? Gravestone: Yes, that. Hammer: Whatever floats your boat. (Gravestone and Hammer stand behind Hanger.) Hanger: (That was weird.) Anyways, here come Hearty and Jail Cell! Hearty: I’ll win this! Jail Cell: Don’t be like that! If you act like that, you’ll be unpopular! Hearty: I don’t care! My determination (VERY IMPORTANT 4TH WALL BREAKING AUTHOR’S NOTE: '''this is not a reference to undertale k bye) will get me through this! Jail Cell: Well, I’m more interested in meeting you all! Gold Ingot (in the distance): Oh, hey! That reminds me of someone! Jail Cell: How so? Gold Ingot (in the distance): You’re the second person to say that they want to make friends instead of compete. Jail Cell: Seriously? Hanger: (♪ Repeated character traits galore! ♪) Next in line are Kale and Lily Pad! Kale: Let’s just get this over with. Lily Pad: Uh, excuse me? Kale: What’s up? Lily Pad: You aren’t looking at me like the other men do. Kale: What? Lily Pad: I’m so beautiful you can’t even react, right? Kale: What? No! Lily Pad: Oh, don’t deny it. I’m pretty, aren’t I? Kale: Nope. (Kale turns away and starts walking towards Hanger.) Lily Pad: … (Lily Pad follows.) Hanger: (Ouch.) Welcome, Nut and Paperclip! (Paperclip falls over while getting out of the bus.) Paperclip: Oh! Uh, I can’t really balance myself well without legs. Nut: I’ll help you! Paperclip: Alright, thanks! (Nut trips on a rock and falls head first into the pavement.) (They both get up with their heads down and stand behind Hanger. Hanger: (Bravo, no really, bravo to you two. In seconds you’ve managed to prove yourselves worthy of the title clumsy.) Let’s move on the the next two, Pincushion and Roady! Pincushion: Hey. Hanger: Huh? Where’s Roady? (The camera pans out to reveal Roady stuck in the bus door.) Roady: Sorry, eh! Beartrap (in the distance): Hey, that’s my line! (Roady shortens herself and elongates back to her normal size after getting out.) Pincushion: Well, that’s handy. I could use it. Roady: Use it? For what? Pincushion: Nothing. (Pincushion and Roady stand behind Hanger.) Hanger: (Totally inconspicuous.) Let’s meet our next bunch, Shopping Bag and Snowglobe! (Shopping Bag is using her phone.) Snowglobe: Oh god, don’t tell me that you- Shopping Bag: OMG, like, we’re here! Snowglobe: ''Oh my god.'' You’re one of ''those ''people. Shopping Bag: Like, everyone tells me that. Is it, like, something on my face or, like, something? Snowglobe: I can deal with this. I know I can deal with this. Hanger: (A silent type, a “like”r, what’s next, the nice one that’s probably going to get 1st or 2nd?) Let’s just go on, and meet Spinach Can and Star. Spinach Can: We’re quite a long way from the farmlands… Star: Well, obviously. We were in that stupid bus for 7 hours, pretty sure we’re miles and miles from not only the farmlands, but any sort of gym. Spinach Can: I’ll do the best I can, then. Star (to Hanger): Are there any places to work out in this desolate place? Hanger: No. Star: What a shame. Hanger: (Why would there be a gym here? So stupid.) Continuing on, say hello to Surfboard and Trampoline! Surfboard: Alright! Radical! Trampoline: Hi! Surfboard: I hope there’s wicked waves here, bro. Hanger: Sorry to tell you this, but we’re far, far away from any place with waves. Surfboard: What?! What will I do?! How will I show my radicalness?! Trampoline: By having an interesting personality? Surfboard: Ugh, totally lame and uncool. Hanger: (Everyone here sucks.) I’m getting tired of this. Also here’s Window and Windy I guess… I hope I get paid a large sum for this. Windy: Hello! I’m here to liven up the mood with some crazy pranks! Window: Pranks? B-But aren’t those at the expense of someone? Windy: Of course! That’s what makes them funny! Window: F-Funny? I’m not sure about that… Windy: Wait, are you seriously afraid of me? Window: Y-Yes. Windy: Well at least you’re honest. There’s nothing to be afraid of, as long as I’m here! Hanger: (Pretty selfish if you ask me.) Alright, here’s our last batch: Wine Bottle and Xylophone! Xylophone: I hope the prize is money! Wine Bottle: Money… hm… which currency do you think they use over here? Xylophone: Why are you interested about that? Wine Bottle: You see, I am very cultured argentine-french man. I’d like to know that. Hanger: You won’t get to know that until the show finishes. Tough luck bud. Wine Bottle and Xylophone: Aw… Hanger: And so… finally… the contestant introductions are done! Anvil: So, do we start now? Hanger: Not now… (Everyone is teleported to a garbage disposal.) Hanger: It starts now! Challenge Windy: So, what’s the challenge? Hanger: You see all this garbage? You have to make something impressive out of it. I will rate your creation, and if you score 4 or lower, you’re automatically up for elimination. Kale: Well, at least it’s not a balance beam contest… Calendar: Wait, Hanger, what about teams? Hanger: Teams? There are no teams. Calendar: Oh. Hanger: Anyways, '''GO! Jail Cell: Alright, alright, gotta find something useful… (Jail Cell finds a broken car.) Jail Cell: I can fix this! (Beartrap jumps out and stands over the car.) Beartrap: Finders keepers! Jail Cell: Goddamnit! Surfboard: This is totally lame. Why are we surrounded by garbage? Spinach Can: Will you just shut up and do the challenge? Surfboard: Alright, fine. Cactus: Hey, Fireball! Fireball: Hm? Cactus: Let’s help eachother! Fireball: Why? Cactus: Because whenever you touch something it bursts into flames? Fireball: Good point. See something useful? Cactus: I see a toilet. Fireball: You’re not helping. Cactus: Hey, I’ll do the building, you’ll do the looking. Deal? Fireball: Fine. Calendar: H-Hey Crown. Crown: … Calendar: C-Can I help you? Crown: (nods) Calendar: OK, w-where do we start? (Crown points towards a fully intact house.) Calendar: H-Huh?! Who d-dumps their whole house here? Dumbbell: Hey, Paperclip, you look like you need some help. Paperclip: No thanks, I’m fine on my own. Dumbbell: Suit yourself. Kale: Nut! Nut: What? Kale: From now on, you’ll be my servant! Nut: Your servant? Kale: Yes, my servant! You’ll do everything I tell you to do! Nut: Why? Kale: I know you’re weak. Nut: Oh. Well, at least you aren’t bullying me into submission. How can I help you today? Kale: Find something to build. Nut: Alright. Kale: (Wow, that worked? I knew she was weak, but this is just insane.) Ace: Hey, Pincushion! Pincushion: What? Ace: I saw you over there, at the bus stop! You were planning something! Pincushion: No I wasn’t. Ace: Yes you were. I need you for something. Pincushion: Nah. Ace: Do you want to be punished?! Pincushion: Yes. Ace: YOU’LL REGRET THOSE WORDS! (Ace tries to kick Pincushion in the face, but Pincushion dodges it.) Pincushion: Do that again and I’ll kill you. Ace: I’ll make sure to kill you first! Windy: Hey, Gravestone, come take a look at this. Gravestone: What? Windy: I’m about to drop some garbage on top of Xylophone. Look! (Xylophone is covered in full with trash. Suddenly, Xylophone finds something.) Xylophone: Oh, hey look! A golden egg! Windy: Crap. Gravestone: Well, you just played yourself. That golden egg could’ve been yours. Windy: No need to remind me, jackass. Roady: Hey, Trampoline! Trampoline: What’s up? Roady: Want to create an alliance? I know you need help! Trampoline: Sure! But we’re gonna need some more people. Roady: That’ll come later, but for now, let’s work together! Trampoline: Alright, let’s do it! Dumbbell: Hey Star! Do you need help? Star: Not really. Dumbbell: Why doesn’t anybody want my help? Star: Actually, I’m going to need you for something. Dumbbell: Oh, OK, cool! Fencey: Yo, yo, Hammer! Hammer: What do you want? Fencey: Wanna form some sorta team-alliance-thing? Hammer: No. Not with you, at least. Fencey: Was that an insult?! Hammer: Nope. Just saying you don’t quite seem like the cooperative guy. Fencey: Hmph. Flashing Sign: Window? Window: Agh! Uh.. yeah? Flashing Sign: Wanna help me? Window: S-Sure! (Wow, my very first day and I’ve already gathered enough courage to talk to a girl! This competition will be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me!) Snowglobe: Well, I’m stumped for ideas. Gold Ingot: Me too. Snowglobe: We’re so gonna be up for elimination. Gold Ingot: Mhm. Anvil: Ah, my ladies, I see you’re stuck on what to do? Snowglobe: Yes? Anvil: I can help you! Gold Ingot: No thanks. Anvil: Oh. Well then screw you anyways! (Anvil leaves.) Snowglobe: What a weird guy. Hearty: Beer Bottle! Stop being drunk and help me! Beer Bottle: I’m not drunk! Hearty: Sure sure. Now help me build this thing! Beer Bottle: Thing? Hearty: Yes, thing! You’ll see what it is when we finish! Beer Bottle: Okay, whatever you say. Lily Pad: Wine Bottle, I need your help with a little thing… (Lily Pad tries to seduce Wine Bottle; it works.) Wine Bottle: Anything for you, my lady… Shopping Bag: Like, I don’t want to do, like, anything. Jail Cell: Come on, I need something! Anything! Hanger: '''TIME’S UP! '''Let’s see how well you all did! First up is Ace! Ace: I made a death machine! It only works on Pincushion and Anvil, though. Hanger: Ouch. 7/10. Anvil: I made a sign. Hanger: That’s it? Anvil: Yes. Hanger: 3/10, you’re up for elimination. Anvil: Crap! Hanger: Beartrap? Beartrap: I fixed up a car! Look at how it shines! Hanger: Cool. 9/10. Hearty: Me and Beer Bottle are a team! Hanger: Alright. Show me what you got. Beer Bottle: We made… a thing! Hanger: A thing, huh? It’s great! 8/10 Hearty: Yes! Cactus: I teamed up with Fireball! Hanger: OK. Show me. Fireball: We fixed a toilet. Hanger: So? Cactus: We set it on fire! Hanger: 0/10. Next. Calendar: Um… Crown and I found a house… Hanger: A house? Calendar: Y-Yes. Hanger: Alright. 6/10. Next. Dumbbell: Me and Star made it! It’s a fully functioning gym! Hanger: How…? Star: Don’t ask. Hanger: 10/10 I guess? Fencey: I got nothing. Hanger: Good luck then. Next. Flashing Sign: Window and I painted a mural with left-over paint cans and a big ‘ol wall! Hanger: Not bad. 8/10. Gold Ingot: Nothing. Hanger: You people… Next. Gravestone: I dug a hole and found this. Hanger: What is it? Gravestone: I dunno, some kinda fruit or something? Hanger: It doesn’t have a face or a mouth but it moves. Gravestone: Oh, yeah, it does. Hanger: 6/10. Next. Hammer: I built some stairs to certain death. Hanger: Certain death? Hammer: There’s nothing on the top of the stairs, only death. Hanger: Weird. 5/10. Jail Cell: Nothing… Hanger: Bye-bye. Next. Kale: I did it with Nut. Hanger: You mean 2 people made that? Kale: Yes. Hanger: What a cool mansion! 9/10. Lily Pad: I made it with Wine Bottle. Wine Bottle: My creation is quite beautiful, just like you, madam Lily Pad. Lily Pad: Aw, thanks. Hanger: That’s supposed to be an ice sculpture? Wine Bottle: Huh? Why? Hanger: Because it’s just water. 0/10. Tough luck. Lily Pad: What the-?! Wine Bottle! Hanger: Next. Paperclip: I made this contraption! Hanger: What does it do? Paperclip: Just watch! (…) Paperclip: It’s not working… Hanger: 1/10, straight to the voting. Pincushion: I made some voodoo dolls of the whole cast, plus your interns. Flower Pot: Uh.. mister Hanger? Isn’t this dangerous? Hanger: Yeah, but I’ll let it slide for now. 8/10. Cutting Board: I’m scared. Roady: I made it with Trampoline! Trampoline: It’s a bouncy house! Hanger: I’m not 5, but at least it’s something. 6/10. Shopping Bag: Like, nothing. Hanger: I’m starting to get irritated by this. Snowglobe: I got nothing either. Hanger: I quit. Flower Pot: What? You quit? Hanger: I can’t do this anymore. This is a goddamned contest, and half the cast’s just lazing about! You take over this, Flower Pot. (Hanger leaves.) Flower Pot: Okay… Next? Spinach Can: I started up my own farm! Flower Pot: That’s nice. 7/10. Surfboard: So lame. I got nothing. Flower Pot: I guess you’re up for elimination? Next. Windy: Nuffin’. Flower Pot: I can see why Hanger got so mad… Final one. Xylophone: I found this golden egg! Flower Pot: I guess that’s a 10/10! Horseshoe: Anyways, I tallied up the results, and it seems that: Anvil, Cactus, Fireball, Fencey, Gold Ingot, Jail Cell, Lily Pad, Wine Bottle, Paperclip, Shopping Bag, Snowglobe, Surfboard and Windy are up for elimination! Cutting Board: Alright, let's get to the elimination area! Elimination Fireball: Uh, why are we at a theatre? Hanger: Because why not. The contestants will now cast their votes. (Everyone votes.) Hanger: Let’s begin, shall we? If I call your name, you’ll be seated in those comfy seats next to everyone who actually did the challenge. Anvil, although you failed, you actually made something that surpasses all the other scores. That’s why you’re automatically safe. Anvil: Yes! Hanger: Next safe are: Paperclip… Paperclip: Alright! Hanger: Cactus… Cactus: Woohoo! Hanger: Lily Pad… Lily Pad: Of course. Hanger: Fireball… Fireball: Hm. Hanger: and Wine Bottle. Wine Bottle: Sí! Oui! Hanger: Now, for the rest of you… none of you did the challenge. I’d like to see who’s eliminated first, but before that, let me reveal who’s safe. Jail Cell… Jail Cell: About time! Hanger: Snowglobe… Snowglobe: Huh. Hanger: Gold Ingot… Gold Ingot: Eh, not bad. Hanger: and Fencey. Fencey: Yo, yo! Hanger: Now, for the rest of you… Surfboard and Shopping Bag: the way you both talk is super annoying, and you also lazed off during the challenge, so I don’t see much future in either of you. Windy: You also didn’t do the challenge, but you’re not as annoying as them, so you’re safe. Windy: Uh… yay? Hanger: Now it’s down to Surfboard and Shopping Bag. Shopping Bag: OMG! No! Surfboard: This is lame. Hanger: The last person safe is… S U S P E N S E Hanger: Shopping Bag! Shopping: Like, hooray! Surfboard: WHAT?! YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF LAMEOS! (Surfboard is teleported into a cannon.) Surfboard: YOU DORKS! YOU’LL REGRET THIS! (Surfboard is shot out of the cannon.) Fireball: How annoying. 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